Blushing Amber makes my breathing in remember when we would sit and listen to our cosmic blend. A melody so smooth that it cause our spirits to move. A dance that moved mountains and brought down rain that washed away our pain. A drift like the ocean, you rode my wave no matter how far out I’ve gone. A love that goes deeper than the ocean floor. Transcending over things that were meant to break a bond that will never die just like energy continuing forever and that’s how long it will be you and me.
It all started at Robert Hooks Middle school. I remember it like it was yesterday. I sat in Ms. William’s seventh grade class nervous as ever. I didn’t think I would make friends right away but boy oh boy was I wrong. The girl sitting next to me was happy and friendly as ever. Her name was Andreka Maples. Andreka was one of the sweetest girls and ended up being one of my best friends. My parents were kind of strict and church goers so they were happy to learn that my new friend and her family were also church goers. Andreka and I did everything together. She would spend the night at my house and I would stay at hers. Andreka had a little more freedom than I did. We shared a love of music. The problem was I was unable to listen to secular music at my house, but at Andreka’s house we could. I’ll never forget when Doggy Style by Snoop Dog came out. Andreka had the CD and we would listen to it every day. We knew every word. Looking back on it, it certainly wasn’t a CD we should’ve been listening to at that age. We were all of twelve. There was also Tevin Campbell’s CD I’m Ready. I remember singing the CD title track over and over again.
One day Andreka invited me to her church for bible study and I happily agreed to attend. While there, the minister announced that they would be having a teen retreat on the third Friday of that month. It would be a lock in from six pm until six am. The retreat would consist of meeting at the church for prayer then we would go skating and bowling. I immediately go home to ask my parents if I could attend. My parents call Andreka’s parents to get the full details before they would agree.
The day of the retreat comes and I’m sick. In fact I had been sick all week. I put on my best “I feel better act” so that my parents would still allow me to attend. I would’ve done anything to get out of that house. The truth is I felt awful. Andreka’s mom picks me up and we headed over to their church. Once we get there they held prayer. During prayer the minister says if you would like to be saved squeeze the hand of the person next to you. Now this isn’t my church so I only know Andreka. The person that was standing next to me was a boy I had never met. This boy yells out “this girl just squeezed my hand” I was horrified. Not because of what he said I did but because everyone looked at me. I hated to be the center of attention. I was so embarrassed. I wanted to disappear. I rolled my eyes at the boy and yanked my hand away from him.
So here I am. I’m halfway through my chemo treatments. My doctors scheduled me for eight rounds of chemotherapy and I’ve completed four. The first four rounds were rough, which my doctor verbally prepared me for but nothing could’ve prepared me for the side effects.
The side effects, both mental and physical are a lot. Okay, lets start with the physical part. Most people are aware that you will lose your hair, which I did but what you don’t know is that your skin gets dry and changes colors. Also, my nail beds turned black my hands darken, and my tough has the ugliest black spots on it. It feels like every week there’s something new. Just today I looked at my legs and saw bruises on them with knots underneath. Oh and lets not forget the nausea the headaches from hell and lack of appetite.
The mental part of dealing with anything is very important. Cancer will push you somewhere mentally that will drain everything in you. When I first found out I had cancer, my honey grabbed my hand and reassured me we would get through it. I looked at him and said I wanted to deal with this head on. Well baby I think I had a meltdown at least once a week since then. There have been days I’ve just laid in bed and not because I was sick. I was just mentally drained, tired of being sick and tired. The amount of anxiety you get the closer you get to treatment day is to much. I literally get nauseated every time I walk to the threshold of that treatment room. Therapy has been a key factor to me handling this in a healthy way. I’m going to be honest, the woman has made her coin dealing with me…..LOL
I’m so happy to be at this point in my treatment. I’m not done yet and I have a few other steps to make before I’ll officially kick cancer ass but I’m super proud of myself. If anyone that’s reading this is dealing with cancer or any kind of ailment. Remember it’s okay to not be okay. Feel those feelings and move on so that you can fight another day. Please be kind to yourself. Peace and love always.