The Day Cancer Took My Hair

The idea of losing my locs is something I’m dreading right now. I’ve been growing my hair for six years. The reason I started growing them in the first place was because I was in school, and caring for a young family . I would two strand twist my hair every three to four weeks, which was an all day event might I add. My friend suggested that I loc my hair since I was natural and twisting it anyway. I thought to myself, naw I like to change my hair to much. One day I woke up and said I’m tired I’m not taking my twist down, so I begin to just allow my hair to do its own thing. I eventually had to do something to it so I looked in the mirror and started to twist my hair at the roots and over the course of a few months it locked. During this time I was nurturing my hair in the same manner you would a plant. I was researching all the necessary products, oils and techniques to give my locs the best growing environment. Going through the frizzy faze and the I’m tired of looking like a porcupine stage was the hardest. People would ask me if I was ever going to cut them. My response would be “nope I’m letting them grow until they get to my ankles.” Never in a million years did I think they would fallout on their own and certainly not because of a cancer diagnosis.

When I received the diagnosis I also received other information about what to expect during and after chemotherapy. When your receiving that information you don’t retain the majority of it. I know in my case I was there physically but mentally I wasn’t. My doctor told me that about two weeks after my first treatment I would begin to lose my hair. My body hair actually started coming out first. When I noticed the hair on my head coming out nothing could’ve prepared me for that moment so in Alex Marie fashion, I put my scarf back on and decided not to deal in that moment. Plus, my daughter was with me and I didn’t want anyone else crying because of me.

The next morning I wasn’t prepared for what happened. I woke up and felt like something was hanging from my scarf. I felt to see what it was, I was horrified, it was an entire loc hanging from the root of my head. All I could do was sob uncontrollably. My boyfriend was in the other room he heard me crying and asked why I was crying . I just took a picture of my loc and sent him a picture. (Yes we text each other while we’re in different rooms…lol) he text back your appointment is at 5:30.

Once the barber finished my cut I put my hood on my head and walked out the shop. My boyfriend asked why I had put my hood on? Fighting back tears I replied “because I look like a man” he just shook his head and said “babe you look fine.” Maybe I looked fine to him but I was everything but fine. I think every time I was alone I cried. I had become so attached to my hair. I didn’t choose to cut them. The process of growing them took so long and just like that they were gone.

The next day after my cut, I had a decision to make, to cover my head or not to. I decided not to hide from it and to just own it. I’m not going to front at any given moment that day I was on the verge of breaking down. I made it through the day without tears and I’ve been rocking this bald head of mine ever since.

Beauty Is Her Name

Her outer shell wrapped in coco but a spirit so broken within, looking and longing for a place to fit in. Her mind is overwhelmed with thoughts of complete confusion and a heart so fragile it cracks with every breath in. She wonders why she‘s here. It’s just her and then it’s them. Can anyone see her or feel the grief and anger that’s consuming her, becoming hard, building walls so rapidly. Wishing and hoping for the day that they’ll be smashed through with love and truth because at this point people give her answers but provide no logical proof.

Monday Motivation

Pull strength and inspiration from all thing that you encounter in life. Not only are you learning the lessons, it’s also building character and muscle. During the lesson building times, we need to pay special attention . In most cases that’s where we learn the most. This is when patterns and routine tend to resurface. If these are good patterns and routines rock out. If not, pause regroup and try something different. Different can be scary and make us feel a bit off or overwhelmed but do know that in the end you will be ok.

I Wish The Neighbors Would STFU

I wish the neighbors would STFU. As I sit in my apartment I listen to the young loud idiots bump over my head. They sound like they never sleep or maybe they sleep while I’m at work. I swear the one guy speaks as if he has a hearing issue because he yells all day. It sounds like elephant live there. Oh, and let’s not talk about the beat making. They may have a studio up there somewhere, Im convinced. None of it sounds good by the way. All the noise and commotion is annoying. The thing is they’re paying rent for their apartment not mine. With that being said, I’m going to drown these mofos out. If you have this issue turn YOUR music up loud and only dance to that. Just like your critics drown them out too! Never let them distract your movement. Put your earbuds in and have your own party. Yes, they’re loud and obnoxious but don’t take time to stop and address them, the neighbors or your critics. Always and I say always greet them both with the a Good Morning and a smile. The neighbors are mad cause they think they know and the haters wanna know…..lol

Keep moving, keep trying, keep believing. 

Music

I haven’t found one person that doesn’t like music. Music is the one thing outside of food that crosses cultural and language barriers, it also brings people together. A person can listen to a song in another language, not understand one word but will be moved to sing, dance and sway. Go to any concert and you will see many ethnicities and age groups. It is my belief it has the ability to transcend to spiritual levels and has healing power. This is why there is so much emotion when listening to or playing music. It has the ability to change a mood from sad to happy, happy to sad, and the ability to inspire. Music can make you remember a place and a moment in time. I’ve watched plenty of videos where a person has suffered from some kind of ailment or the person has lost their ability to speak but will sing a complete song when the music comes on. If that ain’t spiritual or healing I don’t know what it.

I love the creative part of putting a song together. Melodies, with a tight bass line, words and harmonies. The entire process is beautiful. Think about your favorite horror, or suspense movie. Those scary scenes where the killer is about to get the girl. The movie score is what makes you feel the intensity or “feeling” for that particular scene. I’m sure most of you have seen the movie Jason. Remember that music that comes on right when he’s about to get kill the person. We all knew what was about to happen. If there wasn’t any music, the scene would be okay I guess but it wouldn’t have given us the same feeling. (My cousin used to torment me with that music…lol) but you guys get what I mean.

I want you to do me a favor, image something with me. Imagine there was no radio stations or streaming services. There’s noway for you to listen to the radio in your car or in your office, while working out, cleaning up, setting the mood or whatever reason you turn the radio on. I would probably fall into a state of depression. Music is an essential part of my day. Working in an accounting department looking at numbers all day is boring. The music comes on as soon as I walk in.

For me music is my peace, my therapy and sometimes my only comfort. Just like writing, it’s a creative outlet. At one point in my life you couldn’t tell me that I wasn’t going to be working with music in some way. When growing up my life was being pushed in that direction. From talent shows, to music groups I would join, to being in the visual and performing arts program at my high school and let’s not forget all the many, many, MANY church choirs I was apart of. I’m a PK and I grew up COGIC. (Wheeeew chile) I’ll save that for another time for sure but music is just necessary. Just like the body needs water the spirit needs music.

Tell me a few new artists you’re into and a few old artists that got you through and over a hard time. Also tell me your “love song” that song that you hear and you think about your boo or significant other.

Right now I’m loving Tobe Nwigwe , Johnnyswim, and Sabrina Claudio. Older artist would be Erykah Badu, Jill Scott and R-Kelly ( and I’m only speaking from a musical standpoint so don’t come for me) and the artist and or group that makes me think about my honey would be anything by Jodeci and R-Kelly. I’m in love with music and my ear has a lot of depth so I could go on and on but I won’t.

Intention

Intention

Intention, the definition of intention is; a determination to act in a certain way. Most humans will often seek to act with good intentions or aim for a result that is pleasurable for all parties involved, and or will be perceived as a favorable actions. Most people have been taught to treat people the way they want to be treated. That principle has been taught in most religions. In the Bible, the scripture Luke 6:31 reads “Do unto others as you would have them do to you”. The Quran has a similar teaching, “No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself” ~ Sunnah. There are times where we act with good intentions but the receivers perception of your deed may not come across that way. Was it then a waste of time to act in that manner? No, you shouldn’t allow what you meant for good to change. Not to take you to church ,but often times God is using you and only you for that task. We have to fine tune our spirits and or align ourselves to hear (I’ll save that for another post) Never allow your good to be changed by a reaction that you don’t control. When intentions are pure it shouldn’t matter what another person thinks. Do good just to do good. That and only that should be the intention.

Better Days

With my eyes closed I can see the fog. The place where only a glimpse of light is seen through the thickness of the clouds. I can feel the heaviness of the dew on my skin. With my hands stretched in front of me, the tips of my fingers grasp traces of decision made and cards laid before me. With all my senses engaged I can begin to digest my sorrow and allow myself to break free from the darkness of yesterday’s transgressions. With a transformation taking place and the dawn of tomorrow on the horizon hope is given, peace is felt and love is abundant!